I just spent the last hour typing and retyping the same three lines of text over and over in different ways and with different words. Then I message my friends, writing partners and story editors asking “Please read this log-line. I need validation.” Then the best story editor I know tells me I should scrap the whole idea and write about dinosaurs instead. (He didn’t actually say that – I actually think he’s writing about dinosaurs now). Somehow I need to find the best way to describe ‘Die Hard in reverse’ in three lines of text. Then my friend says “You can just say in there “It’s like ‘Die-Hard’ in reverse.” Oh, I can? Glad I spent all this time typing then.
So now I sit, drinking my 9% beer (Trois Pistoles – iz deelishus) contemplating whether or not anyone else will see the genius of doing ‘Die-Hard’ from Hans Gruber’s point of view. That’s a great concept right? (It’s not an idea. You can’t copyright an idea.) I think so. “Find a familiar story and put a new spin on it.” they say. (I can’t actually quote anyone on that, it just seems like the kind of thing that is ‘said’ by people who ‘say things’.) My legs hurt because my obese cat Thom Bosley refuses to sit anywhere else. My heart melts because my dog Eleanor Rigby Roosevelt sits tucked into her duna next to me. My eyes sting because I’m staring at a laptop screen at 2am. This is my life now.
This is the greatest life I could ask for. This is the best life I want to live. I’m a screenwriter. If I had cards (I should get cards) they would say ‘Screenwriter’. When I’m at parties now and people ask what I do, I say screenwriter with only the slightest doubts. When I see screenwriters mercilessly mocked in ‘La La Land’ I laugh enthusiastically and also clutch my soft damaged parts. Why make fun of screenwriters? We’re like the condoms of movie-making: Everybody needs us but nobody wants to use us. Why did I choose to kill any future hope of real employement by deciding I’d want to be overlooked and dissappointed the rest of my life? Because there’s nothing more exhilarating that typing ‘Fade In’ and nothing more satisfying than typing ‘Fade Out’ on a golden laptop while you sit atop a mountain of money and cocaine in a banana republic (political nod, not corporate) paid for by the studio. That’s next, right? Big studio money. If it doesn’t happen in the next… two months I may have to apply at Canadian Tire. But I’m not a middleaged Filipino mother so I’m not sure I’d fit in. (I love all the little Filipino women in Canadian Tire. I never thought I’d be going to my friends Mom from high school, asking if she knew what pipe fitting I needed)
Boobies. If you’re still reading by this point, those boobies were for you. Also: Penis. In case you weren’t into boobies.